Forum    News    Downloads    Saved Games


Of Chickens

<<

crait

User avatar

Brewology Administrator
Brewology Administrator

Posts: 6488

Joined: August 11 2006

Location: Narnia!

Thanks given: 195 times

Thanks received: 50 times

Post Sat Dec 19, 2009 2:38 pm

Of Chickens

I wrote a poem recently titled Of Chickens and today I read the poem infront of a large crowd at a bookstore as part of open mic night.
Here's the poem for you guys to enjoy/hate/flame/critique.
...

Of Chickens

Chicken go cluck, cluck
go cock-a-doodle do!
They are my friends
and friends of you!

They flap their wings but do not fly,
In the early morning, they screech a loud cry.

Chickens are in my heart and in my yard,
and sometimes in my stomach when they are chard.


...

If you want to use this poem for something like presenting it in your classroom or to other people, my name is Jonathan Holmes, just so you know! ;)
<<

DarkPacMan77

User avatar

Brewology Moderator
Brewology Moderator

Posts: 6205

Joined: January 10 2007

Location: Pac Land

Thanks given: 13 times

Thanks received: 18 times

Post Sat Dec 19, 2009 4:02 pm

I would change the line "In the early morning, they screech a loud cry" to "they screech and cry", for fluidity regarding spoken syllables. Also, "chard" is misspelled. The correct spelling is "charred".

-DarkPacMan77-
Image
D3ViLsAdvocate wrote:Try shaking the salt harder onto your tongue.
<<

ace

User avatar

Brewology Administrator
Brewology Administrator

Posts: 5007

Joined: May 12 2007

Location: bat cave Firmware: iXtreme 1.7

Thanks given: 10 times

Thanks received: 29 times

Post Sat Dec 19, 2009 6:35 pm

I'd have to disagree with dpm about the screech and cry part, I really like it :) I like the fact that it increases in syllables, if you just say that short line after the previous it sounds like you just wanted to add a rhyming word as opposed to creating a thought out sentence, but that's just me. I think it sounds great :) Maybe if you could make the last words of the first and third sentence rhyme then it'd definitely be on point.
Image
It's not the religion that causes wars, it's the men who use religion as a means to control people that do.
They call me tater salad.
<<

AdventWolf

User avatar

Brew Guru
Brew Guru

Posts: 5958

Joined: September 19 2007

Location: Pandora

Thanks given: 5 times

Thanks received: 10 times

Post Sat Dec 19, 2009 10:30 pm

*Tear* it's beautiful. Next write one about cows.
Image
Image
<<

The Cookie Monster

User avatar

Brew Guru
Brew Guru

Posts: 2744

Joined: August 29 2009

Location: Narnia

Thanks given: 9 times

Thanks received: 54 times

Post Sun Dec 20, 2009 5:21 am

haha nice poem..

(as soon as i saw chicken in the name, i was sure it was by crait :P)
-Formerly DCM
Image
Image

Return to General Chat

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 123 guests

Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group.
Designed by ST Software for blacklist.org.