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The Jokes Thread.

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The Cookie Monster

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Post Thu Nov 03, 2011 11:21 pm

Re: The Jokes Thread.

irishdragon85 wrote:lol well ok then here goes and if i get banned so be it it was fun meeting you guys. :P WARNING DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING JOKE IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY CRUDE LANGUAGE:

A White Guy, Black Guy, and Asian Guy all die and go to hell when they get down there they meet Satan who tells em "i'll put you back into a body back on earth if you can run across this lava while holding your d*ck in your hand with out it melting" they all look at each other and agree to it the Asian Guy goes first he grabs his junk and runs across the lava he gets about two feet across before it melts and he falls into the lava the White Guy goes next and he's like "i can do this" so he grabs his d*ck and runs across he gets about half way before it melts and he falls into the lava. The Black Guy goes next he grabs his d*ck and runs all the way across when he makes it to the other side Satan is waiting for him and asks him "how'd you do that?" the Black Guy looks at him and says "didn't you know Milk Chocolate melts in your mouth not your hand?"


Unfortunately, I've heard that before. :P

So it reminds me of this as well :

An Asian guy, a Jewish guy, a Black guy, and a white guy all go to the top of a mountain trying to prove that they are loyal to their race. The Asian guy jumps of the mountain shouting "For Asia!". The Jewish guy does the same shouting "This is for all the jewish people in the world!".

The Black guy shouts, "This is for all the black people in the world," grabs the white guy and throws him from the top of the mountain.
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Post Fri Nov 04, 2011 4:31 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

lol yeah that one is kinda old i heard it when i was a kid and it stuck with me.
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Post Wed Nov 09, 2011 3:24 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f**k your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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Post Wed Nov 09, 2011 2:13 pm

Re: The Jokes Thread.

An mexican, a black guy, and a white guy are on a roof. They where all drunk, and the white guy says to the mexican guy. I bet you if I jump off, the wind current up here will carry me back up. And so He jumps. Amazingly, he floats back up to the rooftop! Not able to understand, the mexican guy jumps off and dies on impact. The black guy looks over and says: "that was really messed up superman"
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Post Wed Nov 09, 2011 4:11 pm

Re: The Jokes Thread.

a white guy black guy and mexican were all walking along the beach when they came across a magic lamp they rubbed it and a Genie popped out who told them "since there are three of you i will give each of you one wish" the Mexican says "i'll go first i wish all my people were happy nad healthy and back in Mexico" so the genie waves his hands and the Mexican Vanishes the black guy goes next and says "i wish for my people to be happy and healthy back in Africa" so the genie waves his hands and the black guys disappears he then approaches the white guy and says "your wish?" the white guy in turn says "you mean to tell me all the Blacks and Mexicans aren't in America anymore?" the Genie nods his head they white guys says "I'll have a Coke then."
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Post Thu Nov 10, 2011 3:24 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

irishdragon85 wrote:a white guy black guy and mexican were all walking along the beach when they came across a magic lamp they rubbed it and a Genie popped out who told them "since there are three of you i will give each of you one wish" the Mexican says "i'll go first i wish all my people were happy nad healthy and back in Mexico" so the genie waves his hands and the Mexican Vanishes the black guy goes next and says "i wish for my people to be happy and healthy back in Africa" so the genie waves his hands and the black guys disappears he then approaches the white guy and says "your wish?" the white guy in turn says "you mean to tell me all the Blacks and Mexicans aren't in America anymore?" the Genie nods his head they white guys says "I'll have a Coke then."


LMAO!

I know a similar one!

EARTHQUAKE HITS MEXICO
An earthquake measuring 5.2 hit Mexico last Monday. 50,000 were reported dead and 250,000 homeless. England has pledged to send 100$Million in aid, France is sending aid workers. For it's part the U.S. is sending replacement Mexicans.
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Post Tue Nov 15, 2011 7:57 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

A teacher that is trying to teach good manners asks her students a question:

"Michael If you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael : "I'll be back in a minute, I have to go pee".

Teacher : "That would be rude & impolite. How about you Sam?"

Sam : "I really need to go to the toilet, I'm sorry".

Teacher : "That's better but still not nice to say word toilet."

Oh You little Johnny can you use your brain?

Johnny : "Darling, May I please be excused for a moment? I have to go shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner"
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Post Mon Nov 21, 2011 12:14 pm

Re: The Jokes Thread.

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
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Post Fri Dec 02, 2011 5:29 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer. Up walks a so called "lady of the night". She says, "For $300.00, I'll do anything you want." The lad thinks for a moment then says:

Ok. Paint my house.
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Post Sun Dec 04, 2011 8:11 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

a blonde walks into a gynocolgists office and sits on the table the doctor walks in and thinks he's gonna have some fun so he starts feeling her up and asks "do you know what i'm doing?" she says "you're copping a feel" the doc says "no i'm checking for lumps" next he pulls down his pants and starts to go to town on her he then asks "do you know what i'm doing now?" she says "catching herpes that's why i'm here"
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Post Mon Dec 05, 2011 11:16 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

Da Cool Man wrote:This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"


I guess it gets funnier if you post it again! :P
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Post Mon Dec 05, 2011 11:47 pm

Re: The Jokes Thread.

oh shush DCM :P i was tired when i posted it and i couldn't remember where i had heard it. :P
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Post Sat Dec 10, 2011 1:15 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

Bit of a read.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
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Post Sun Dec 25, 2011 6:20 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
"You may have graduated but I've got many degrees".
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Post Tue Dec 27, 2011 9:49 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

Husband: Darling! Is the food ready?
Wife: Not yet! Just wait for a while.

Husband: Nevermind, I'll go out and eat something.
Wife: Please just wait for 5 minutes!

Husband: Why, will the food be ready in 5 minutes?
Wife: No, I'll be ready in 5 minutes!
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